A Room With A View

Posted by Sheri at 7/8/2007 9:27 AM
Categories: uncategorized

According to the U.S. Department of Justice, the national recidivism rate is 67% within three years.  Can you believe only 67% of offenders are rearrested within three years?  Wow!  That is so impressive.  My kids can't go three minutes without getting rearrested for one of their dubious crimes.  They spend like every other minute in contempt.  Their current relapse rate is hovering around 99%.  The outstanding 1% balance can be traced back to the time Crusher threw a piece of three-day-old Pirate's Booty marinated in cat hair at Bam Bam, who subsequently ate it.  With Crusher out of ammo he was unable to continue his flawless streak of re-offending behavior.  However, a few days later he did hurl a stale Goober at Bam Bam's head from point-blank range, but I generously counted that infraction as a new crime.

The aforementioned numbers don't lie, and since 89.2% of statistics are not fabricated at least 60% of the time, I know what I need to do to ensure my children the best chance of success as law abiding citizens.  I'm going to turn them over to the long arm of the law.  That's right.  Tomorrow morning Crusher and Bam Bam are off to Alcatraz.  Dang, I'm gonna miss them.  But there are so many benefits and I know I have to stay focused on the positives. 

First of all, seeing as it's been uninhabited since 1963, with the exception of the whole San Francisco Bay/Pacific Ocean issue, it's totally childproofed.  Regardless of how diligently you childproof a home, one kid might still chuck a piece of sidewalk chalk at his sister.  There's no sidewalk chalk on Alcatraz. 

Secondly, if they're gone long enough, they might come home potty trained.  You never know.  One of the tourists taking a headphone tour of the island may have a better plan on how to achieve this than I do.  So, in summary, my plan for potty training my children is to send them to a defunct institution on a deserted island and hope a random stranger who thinks a prison tour is a rockin' fun thing to do while on vacation trains them for me.

Good luck, Alcatraz.  Al Capone ain't got nothin' on my kids!


 

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